when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
