Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
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