im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
