I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
