remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Randomize
