when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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