how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
