I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
