Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
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