guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
