My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
