I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
