gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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