I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
