puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
They are going to name an STD after you.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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