even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Randomize
