That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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