She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
