were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
