I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
