The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
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