Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I touched a dick in church today
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
