I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
