I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
