I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
