Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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