i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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