My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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