How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
