Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
