everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
