i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
