I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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