Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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