She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
