Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
