I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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