i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
