it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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