We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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