two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
