the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
