yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
