i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
