The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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