So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Welp...herpes.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
