I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
