Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
