Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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