I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Randomize
